For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
