its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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