i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
