Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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