i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
