apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
