You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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