I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
