she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
