i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
