Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
