First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
