That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
