His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
