Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
