the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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