I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
