Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
