It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
