so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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