areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
