I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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