Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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