Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
