Rock
Scissors
Fuck
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
