last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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