She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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