i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
