bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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