I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
