Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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