words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
