dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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