i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
