Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
