after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
