I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
