nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
