Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
