Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
