I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
