Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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