So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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