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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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