I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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