Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have fence marks all over my body
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
