i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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