Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
