i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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