no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
worst night to have a conscience
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
